


We'll make it work

by Oh_well_Em_writes



Series: Ace!Theo [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: (so many tags im sorry), Ace!Theo Raeken, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexual Theo Raeken, Asexuality, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Love, M/M, SO MUCH DARKNESS, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Supportive Liam, Theo Raeken-centric, but darkness, so much love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-11 13:19:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15316344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oh_well_Em_writes/pseuds/Oh_well_Em_writes
Summary: Theo can't. He can't understand what's wrong with him. He can't understand why he always feels wrong, why he doesn't feel like the rest, why it never works out.But he loves Liam, and he wishes it was as simple as that.This is his journey through self-discovery and to self-acceptance. His journey as an asexual man, his journey with his own mind, and heart. His journey with the boy he loves, maybe, if he finds a way to make it work.





	We'll make it work

**Author's Note:**

> So... this story is really close to my heart, and I keep feeling like it isn't enough, isn't like it should be... I feel a bit insecure posting it. But I do hope you enjoy it.  
> If you see any mistakes throughout your reading, please do not hesitate to point them out. Thank you. x

He was pretty sure of it, of how he was feeling for Liam. It’s always been as clear as day. Wanting to be with him, hell, _longing_ to be with him, hear him laugh, share things with him, just spend time together. Figuring out and accepting that has been painfully easy. He's always felt the same about men, women, persons. Everyone's beautiful to him. Everyone's beautiful, but no one can be as beautiful as Liam is. If anyone would have asked him who he wanted to see this very second, the answer would have been Liam, if he was asked who he wanted to travel the world with, the answer would have been Liam, if he was asked anything, the answer would have been Liam. It always is.

What he doesn’t understand is why. Why it never works out, why is head and heart never agree, why he feels wrong. Why _it_ feels wrong. Because it shouldn’t. He thinks about it, tears prickling his eyes, knees to his chest. He doesn’t want to cry but the thoughts in his head are so loud, clashing together, fighting one against the other, and it hurts. It doesn’t make sense.

Liam has been there, standing in front of him, looking at him that way, and Theo knows, he knows that look, that longing, because he’s got the same look. The only thing different is what brings him there, his heart clenching, his throat closing up. Liam’s eyes were telling him ‘I want to kiss you.’ and the problem is there. In full light, and Theo can’t look at it, doesn’t want to, because it hurts, it burns his eyes.

Theo should want Liam to kiss him, should be feeling it consume his being. He should jump right in as soon as the opportunity presents itself. He should want Liam’s travelling hands down his body, should want to feel his skin.

But he doesn’t.

Theo had been sure of it. He loved Liam, he was in love with him. But was he really, if the thought of doing basic couple things sounded, felt, wrong to him? Why was he shrinking on himself when he was imagining heated kisses and hands going down and down on his body?

He’s not in love. Has got it wrong the whole time. All he liked was the attention, the flirting and the idea of someone there, wanting him, having someone to look forward to see and enjoy the company of. And now that something was possible between the two, Theo was a goner.

The tears stream down his face, he’s shaking now. He hates himself. He doesn’t understand it. He wanted Liam, had wanted him, and now what? Why couldn’t it work out? He had led him on, he had probably hurt him. All for his personal benefit? He couldn’t kiss him. And if he can’t kiss him, he can’t be in love, then he can’t allow himself to date the boy.

After all, he’s stupid. He’s manipulative. He hurts others. He never meant to, though. This wasn’t planned at all. He was sure he loved him. But he doesn’t crave his body and his lips like he should. And therefore he can’t allow himself.

Thoughts clash. Windows breaking in his mind, the glass cutting his brain open, the fragments becoming smaller and smaller the longer it goes on – he can’t do anything about it now, the little pieces are printed inside his organ, and each time he moves he's being reminded of the little something that’s wrong with him.

* * *

 

That night in the library hallway has never left his mind. He thinks about it a lot, thinks about Liam, thinks about how he feels. It all comes back to the same thing. He’s worthless. Even if things with Liam are almost back to normal, because they both know they can't stay away from each other, Theo can’t shake the thoughts off of his mind.

He wishes he had someone to talk to, someone who would listen and understand, but he doesn’t think it is possible, as he doesn’t even understand himself.

He feels different, somehow, when he finds himself at parties with friends, and all they talk about is sex and alcohol. It is absurd for him, there are so many other things they could all talk about, and when he says so, he gets weird looks, and people laugh. “Sex is an universal subject. It’s a constant for everybody.” the more he hears things like this, the more he questions himself. What is all the hype about sex?

He tries asking for a change of subject, or points out how ridiculous it is a few times, gets laughed at and sits back, listening and wishing no one would include him in the conversation. He feels rejected, put aside, it stings a bit, digs a bit more into the wound starting to create in the centre of his heart.

And he knows something’s wrong with him, because everyone seems to have sex in mind, at all times. In movies, in conversations, in jokes, everywhere he looks. Escaping the conversations about it makes him feel sick, because he sees the odd looks he gets, and hears the whispers directed his way when he isn’t more than excited to talk about it with his boy friends, when the fact that he hasn’t done it yet is not something that he feels ashamed of. When everyone thinks it is.

He feels pure. But wrong, oh so wrong. He wishes people would forget about sex.

* * *

 

The months pass by, and his feelings for Liam only grow stronger. He’d like to grow old with him. See him every morning as he wakes up, cook him dinner and cuddle late at night. Read him books and fight about stupid things like the dishes and the laundry. But he still can’t kiss him. He does want him close, though. Wants him around so much it hurts.

And one day he understands it, his weird sexuality, or non-sexuality. It suddenly makes sense. Asexuality. The more he looks it up, the more the weird and different things about himself fall into place and get explained. Finally being able to define himself and knowing he’s not alone is like a wave washing over him, cradling him in gentle hands, soft whispers saying ‘ _you’re not alone_ ’, ‘ _you’ll be just fine._ ’

But after the relief comes also the anxiety, and sorrow, and uncertainty. Because how will he ever be able to be loved, and be with someone he can’t give these things to? The thought is a constant in his mind, and it keeps scratching on the wound that never gets the time to heal.

And one day it all comes down. Liam is in front of him, in the same hallway from a year ago, the same look in his eyes and Theo feels his stomach twist uncomfortably. He wants to run. He feels sick. He hates it, god, he hates it because he loves Liam, but he can’t. He just can’t, and it hurts, hurts so much more knowing it hurts Liam as well.

“Theo.” he says, eyes open and sincere, and Theo blinks the tears away. “Can we talk?”

And Theo’s mind chants _don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it,_ and he wants to tell Liam _no, we can’t talk. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to face it, because we don’t have the same needs and I can’t give you want you need. I hate it so much._

Nothing comes out though, his legs are frozen, his mouth dry and his heart in his throat, and Liam has the same expectant eyes that make Theo want to cry.

Liam is about to open his mouth again, and Theo is so scared that he just talks, even if it hurts, even if he all he wants to do is run away. “I can’t.” and his voice is hoarse and it brings back the tears he blinks away so fast.

Liam’s face looks hurt, and confused, and Theo hates it so much. Liam is silent for a moment, eyes searching Theo’s face.

“Don’t you feel the same?” he says, voice small, vulnerable.

“I can’t give you what you need.” he answers, head hanging low now because he knows he’s about to let the tears roll down and he doesn’t want to see the look of hurt on Liam’s face. He loves him though, so much it hurts. He loves him, and Liam deserves the best. Not someone unable to love him completely.

Liam is standing so close now. “You’re what I need.” he says, making Theo look up even though he’s tried to fight it. He shakes his head, lips pinched so he doesn’t talk. He just shakes his head. Helpless, helpless, falling into a dark abyss.

Then Liam’s arms are around him, holding him close and his hand in his hair, tugging Theo’s head underneath his chin.

Theo melts down, and there’s light, soft and warm, and feeling just right. The irony for him, the one who feels wrong to the core, the one whose bones don’t seem to connect the right way, the one whose brain is shattered.

He breaks down, too. Breaths coming in and out harder than before, tears rolling down his face, drops from an ocean of pain and sadness, and they won’t stop, but it’s okay, Liam is there, he’s holding him close.

“We’re going to figure it out.” he tells Theo, and for a second, he believes it. Allows himself to, because he needs it, he needs that hope – so he can accept himself, for a second.

* * *

 

They get in Liam’s bedroom, a room Theo knows like the back of his hand, almost as well as his own. He recognises the smell, knows where things are and has spent hours playing video-games in, more hours there than in his own.

And they talk about it. Liam telling him he can trust him, can trust him with how he’s feelings, tell him what scares him, what he can’t, what he feels and what he wants. And Theo’s voice shakes again, and he breathes in, and he tries.

He tells Liam about how absurd it feels to him that the society is focused on sex, how each time he’s brought in a conversation he feels sick because he knows he’s not like others and will be laughed at or judged, how he has yet to understand himself and accept it, how he loves him, too. How he feels safe in his arms, how his eyes are his favourite colour, how everything is a little brighter when he’s around, how he deserves the best the world can give him. And so the best is not Theo.

And Liam’s arms are again around him, and they’re warm, so warm it makes Theo’s head spin. And he’s being told all the things he had dreamt of, but can’t allow himself to believe. _I don’t care about sex. I want to be with you. I want you for you. Not for sex._

But Theo’s mind is made of fragments of glass, and it cuts and it screams because he can’t, he can’t, can’t take that away from Liam. He’s been selfish enough, has hurt people enough, he can’t take these things away from him. Not when he loves him like so. Not when he wants the best for him.

And he keeps hurting himself, whatever he chooses to do, because he doesn’t want to be selfish and Liam tells him he’s being selfish in not taking into account what he wants and that is him, whatever what he can’t give him, and the thoughts spin and spin and Theo wishes the edges weren’t so sharp so when they collide in each other and on the walls of his head, it didn’t hurt so much.

The silence in the room hangs heavy over his shoulders, Liam’s hands cupping his cheeks, caressing softly, eyes sincere and full of understanding and love, and the more he sees how much Liam is willing to give up for him, Theo both feel like flying and being pulled towards the centre of the Earth.

“Are you willing to try?” Liam asks, voice soft, gently pushing Theo’s hair away from his face. “For me?” Theo can’t say no to Liam when he looks at him like that, when he lays bare to him, when Theo has opened up and they’ve talked about how they both feel, and what Theo can and can’t do. When his heart screams at him to try, to give them a chance.

The world stops as he nods, slowly, so slowly, and a tear rolls down on Liam’s cheek, slowly, so slowly. But he’s got the brightest smile Theo has ever seen, and he’s blinded for a moment. And Liam’s hands are like a safe place, holding his cheeks firmly, but somehow still being the softest touch Theo has ever felt – until Liam’s lips land on his forehead.

“Let me love you.” And Theo feels it, this is what being loved and accepted feel like. He knows he has yet a long road to travel to accept himself, too, to stop the self-hatred, to work on healing the wound in his heart and soften the edges of the fragments in his mind.

* * *

And so they try, Liam always making sure he’s comfortable. They hold hand, and cuddle, and Liam kisses his cheeks, and his forehead, and his temples and his whole face. And his lips, too, always soft and slow, always like it is a treasure, a once in a lifetime, something worth appreciating every second of. The gesture is always preceded by open eyes, full of love and sincerity, simply that, and the question: may I kiss you? And Theo always says yes, not because he has to, but because he feels precious each time Liam lands a soft and chaste kiss on his skin.

They’re like every couple, they move in together in College, they joke around, and tease and dance and stand too close to each other, because Theo’s safe place is at Liam’s side. The only thing people don’t know about are the nights Theo doubts, where he wakes up or can’t sleep, and he looks over at Liam sleeping next to him, at the curve of his shoulders, at the hair on his nape and how he breathes, and he’s hit again by that feeling burning inside, guilt, and hatred, and sorrow. And in those moments he lets the tears flow out and the darkness take him again.

But Liam is always there, he isn’t a light sleeper, but each time the demons circles too much around Theo, he’s awake and ready to fight them. And it helps. Theo’s demons fade away with time, even though those insecurities can’t be totally erased, Liam paints flowers on the dark parts of Theo’s mind, his words always bringing light and showing the way back to the earth, his eyes always making Theo believes he means each one of them. And of course he does.

He lets Theo cry on his shoulders as he holds him close, even though they both know he’s hurting as much as Theo is. In those moments he stays strong for the both of them. Liam’s presence and words and love help mend the wounds, most of them self inflicted, and they manage to scar, even though the mind can be self-destructive and Theo’s mind is not an exception; the late nights pressuring on his own hands and his nails sometimes dig back in the newly recovered skin. He can’t help it.

But because of Liam, he’s not alone, and he’s loved, and he knows they’re going to make it. Together, because Theo’s battles are also Liam’s, and Liam’s are also Theo’s.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, let me know what you thought in the comments, I'd really appreciate it, as I stated earlier, this story is really important to me. 
> 
> I hope to see you soon for another story, thank you. ♥️


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